May Character Interview
Patricia Parrington ~ May 15, 2024
Hello my lovely readers and fellow book-lovers! For those of you who are new here, I, your not-very-tasty host, Patricia Parrington, have the pleasure of interviewing characters from books all over the world.
Today we have here with us the Big, Bad Wolf from Red Riding Hood by Mark Budman. Mark is a first-generation Moldovan immigrant who learned English as an adult. Counterpoint Press published his novel My Life at First Try. His work features in publications such as Catapult and The Mississippi Review. One anthology he coedited was the 2022 Foreword Indies winner. Kirkus Reviews awarded his latest short story collection a starred review and named it one of the best books of 2023.
Meet the Big, Bad Wolf
[Patricia flops onto an orange suede couch and motions for her guest—a large wolf—to sit across from her.]
Welcome to Fable Features! Tell me a little about yourself. What do you do for a living?
I eat people. The younger, the better, but old people have their charms. They can tell you stories while you apply dressing to them. I like paprika the most. It’s red. I like that color. It takes me back.
[Patricia laughs nervously.]
Well that’s . . . unique. I hope you aren’t hungry right now!
Do you have a best friend?
The Fox. She taught me foxtrot. I bit her only once, and even that lovingly. She tricked me. She told me that I could catch fish in a frozen lake by lowering my tail into the ice hole. She was an asshole. But a beautiful one.
Oh, I’m so sorry about what happened to your tail! Why did she trick you?
She was jealous of the size of my tail. Napoleonic complex, as it were. But never mind. I grew a new one. I must have lizard genes in me.
That is quite a skill you have! If I lost a piece of me, I don’t think it would grow back.
[Patricia holds up her hands in front of her and laughs.]
If you were to suddenly get very rich, what would you do with all the wealth?
I'm happy with what I have, which is the best definition of the rich. I already do only what I like. Eat people.
[He licks his lips.]
Ahh yes. So you’ve mentioned.
[Patricia subtly scoots across the couch cushions, farther from her guest’s reach.]
May I ask where you developed that, um, unique taste for people?
That takes me back to the time I was a cub. My daddy shared his lunch with me once. I swallowed too many buttons. So I prefer clothing with laces now.
[Patricia crinkles her nose.]
Buttons don’t sound very tasty.
[Patricia taps her chin, thinking.]
What would you say you are most proud of?
That I ate the little Red Riding Hood girl. She made me famous. Posthumously.
That’s right! I remember hearing that story.
Is there anyone you absolutely can’t stand?
Bony people. I have to spit too much. And I broke a tooth once. Do you know how much they charge for the dental services in the forest? They are animals.
[Patricia shakes her head.]
I had no idea there were even dental services in the forest! What’s that like?
You wouldn’t believe the paperwork they require. Especially considering there is no paper in the forest, and everything is written on the birch bark with blood, sweat and tears. Yet they request everything in triplicates.
Wow! That’s not very nice of them. Perhaps in the future they will grow more lax with their rules.
What’s a funny or embarrassing thing that happened to you?
I loved this Fox once. Before the lake affair. I brought her flowers once, but she sneezed so much that I’m afraid to even look at the flowers now.
Aww, sounds like she must’ve been allergic then? I have some friends who sneeze around flowers, too.
If you had the chance to say one sentence to the whole world, what would you say?
Write down your best dreams. That way they might happen to you. Like eating the little Red Riding Hood.
[His eyes turn dreamy. Then he eats the interviewer. Without the seasoning.]
[Scribblemore the pseudodragon rushes into the studio and the room suddenly fills with bright blue cloudy magic. Scribblemore reappears with the interviewer—now scraped up and dripping with saliva—in the hallway.]
Thank you, Scribblemore! That was way too close.
[Patricia runs to the back door of the studio and knocks then shouts safely from the other side,]
Thank you for the interview, Mr. Wolf! And, um, please don’t try to eat me again!
End of interview.
Want to Read More?
The Big, Bad Wolf’s author, Mark Budman, can be found on his website. Red Riding Hood isn’t out yet, but until then check out his other book The Armor Thieves!
See Ya Next Time
Aaand that's all the time we have today. Thank you, readers, for coming. And thank you, Mr. Wolf, for letting us get to know you! See y'all next time.
If you would like to submit a character to be interviewed for a future issue of Fable Features, please send an email to linnaekconkel@gmail.com with the subject line: Fable Features.
Please note that erotica and content with excessive vulgar language will not be accepted.
If you have questions you'd like Patricia Parrington to ask in a future interview, please submit them to linnaekconkel@gmail.com with the subject line: Interview Questions.
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